Wow, I’ve not posted in a month. Hi everyone!
It occurred to me this evening that I haven’t written a post in ages, and I started to wonder why that might be. I guess it could be because I’m doing pretty well. I’ve been having more ups than downs, don’t get me wrong I still get the downs, but the up are outweighing them significantly now.
I feel more at ease with myself. I feel like I can really tune into ‘me’ nowadays, whereas in the past I would concoct a persona that I’d try to enact. It’s really hard to explain. I’d create rules I’d have to live by. I’d rationalise all my decisions (and I mean everything that I did) according to what this made up character would do. My decisions weren’t my own, my life wasn’t really my own I guess. It was restricted in all aspects, not only in terms of food. I was locked away in the darkest depths, but somehow I’ve managed to find the key.
But I’m still learning. I still question a lot of my decisions, and I still find my mind running away wanting to revert back to its old self. But the thing that’s changed the most is that I just give less of a shit nowadays. I’m less concerned about what other people will think how my actions might reflect on me. I gain weight… And what? I make a decision that other people don’t agree with… And what? I’m no less of a person, and I’m no less important. People who are going to judge me aren’t people I want to know. The relief you feel when you just let go and live for yourself (without acting in a way that’s damaging to other people) is so liberating. It’s freedom.
So here I am. Another month down the line. No longer having weekly psychotherapy. No longer on anti-depressants. No longer underweight. Smiling again. Still batting through the days on occasions, but with the ability to embrace those feeling, accept who I am, listen to the real me, and survive.