Hi everyone, sorry I’ve not posted in a while! I love writing on this blog, it helps me offload and share what I’m going through with those of you that read it. It also hopefully allow some of you see that you’re not alone. But recently I’ve been living life to the full with barely a minute to spare. I’ve been working hard, but also taking the time to do the things I enjoy most. I’ve been on holiday, I’ve been to parties, I’ve been spending time with my boyfriend, I’ve started singing in a band, I’ve been LIVING. Recovery has allowed me to do the things I enjoy again. It’s allowed me to find a purpose in life again.
Since my last post I’ve been on a long weekend away to Geneva with my housemates, as one of them lives there. A weekend full of pastries, ice cream, cheese, wine, swimming, dancing, and laughter. What a special memory. I’ve been able to spend numerous weekends cooking and ‘pigging out’ with my boyfriend without being snappy and difficult. I’ve been to the pub on weekends, and I’ve been to every house party and night out going. These are all things I’d never have had the energy to do. These are all things I’d have missed to sit in my room, alone, and binge after a week of hardly eating. Things as simple as eating three meals a day which now don’t even cross my mind used to be a struggle. So fuck you anorexia, we’re well and truly over.
In terms of food, it doesn’t occupy every corner of my mind anymore. I’m eating when I’m hungry, and I’m eating what I want regardless of calories. Maybe I’m eating a little too much at times, but that’s ok. I’m listening to my body, and the past couple of months it’s been wanting what are classically deemed as ‘unhealthy’ foods, but that’s natural after years of restricting. I’ve put on weight… So I’ve bought new clothes. I’m just letting my body have what it needs and I know things will settle down with time. Yes it’s important to think about what you eat and try to live healthily, but right now the healthiest thing for me is just eating what my body tells me it needs, and blocking out the disordered voices that tell me I can’t.
The fact that I’m nourishing my body also means that I can actually enjoy going to the gym now. I can use it as my time to get away from everything, and focus on everything my body can do. Allowing myself to work with my body, to listen to it, and not to fight against it, pushing it to the extremes. I can explore everything my new body can do, the new way that it moves and feels.
I’m also reducing my dose of fluoxetine with the aim of coming off of it, and I’m working my relapse prevention plan with my therapist with the aim of discharge very soon. That’s not to say things will definitely go smoothly, and their door is always open for me to come back, but right now I feel like I’m ready to leave that chapter of my life. I don’t know if it will ever completely go away, I’ve lost years of my life to this disorder, and I’ve been taken to some dark places, but that’s what’s brought me to where I am today. What I’ve been through will always stay with me, but now I want to start making step towards helping other people who’re stuck in the depths of that place, feeling as lost and helpless as I was, and try to show them that there is a way out. I want to use my experiences to help others, and to see perceptions changing. Here’s to a future of acceptance and love.