I’ve know it for a long time, but today in therapy I had an epiphany and I really think I’ve seen the light.
I was feeling miserable after about 2 weeks of heavy binging, and I’d put on 1kg, so I was feeling awful. Although I’ve stopped restricting the way I used to, I still consciously hold back and often don’t fill myself up at mealtimes, leaving me with unfulfilled cravings leading to a binge. Out of control, eating without really wanting to, until I’m in pain. My body and mind are used to filling up this way because they’ve been deprived for so long and they know it’s back to restricting the next day. But I don’t restrict as much any more, yet my head still seems to be working in the same way, hence the intense self hatred in recent weeks.
I woke up this morning after another binge feeling terrible, feeling like I didn’t want to get up and face the day, a feeling that is all too familiar. But after some serious reflection I’ve realised what I need to do, and it’s quite simple. Eat substantial meals that satisfy me. Snack when I’m hungry. Stop labelling food as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Nourish my body and enjoy every mouthful of food without worry about calories. Let go of all the rules. Allow my weight to fluctuate. Some weeks I’ll have lots of social events or a weekend away centred around good food and drink, but then I’ll have other weeks where I go to the gym and eat a little less. Just eat without deliberating about every for choice, eat something because that’s what I feel like eating, listen to my body, and food will cease to be the enemy which occupies all my thoughts.
So that’s what I’m going to do.
Love yourself. Be confident in your body. You are beautiful.